He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
