Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
