wat bout pragnant strippers??
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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