I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
