My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
