your parents love me but you hate me
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
