everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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