I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
50% drunk capacity currently
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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