so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
