If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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