Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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