everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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