Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Still dying that you shit outside
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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