i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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