Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
