Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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