I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize