I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
