Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
