I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
