Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
