i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
