Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
and you fell through a lawn chair
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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