this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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