I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
