hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize