I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
