I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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