FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
