i love accidental penises.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he fucked my hip out of place.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
