Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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