And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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