How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
