Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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