I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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