She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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