It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
