did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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