A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
