I cockslap morals
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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