I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
