Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
