She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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