a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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