Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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