Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
