I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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