can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I wish there were birth control emojis
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
