The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
