Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
