I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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