I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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