Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
