I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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