i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
