Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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