Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
