How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
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