She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I have aggressive nipples.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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