M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
