Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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