So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
