so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I have tasted many bathrooms
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize