I look better un-naked...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
