Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She announced her abortion via fbk
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
