Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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